Ever since i can remember my mother and I havent been the best of friends and the only person that keeps my mom from loving me like a mother should is my younger sister. yes i know it may sound like i am jealous of my younger sister and i am a little jealous of her only because she robs me of my mother's love. but its not just me my aunt and older sister have noticed. i have always gotten hit because of my little sister and the scars have healed on my skin but the ones in my heart never will. my moyher always thinks i lie and i cant try and find love or comfort in another persons arms because she quickly pushes them out of my life. i have thought of suicide many times and i dont want to be like this. i dont want to feel like i have no way out. i want to have a future and have kids but i feel like the problems
with my mom will always haunt me and wont let me live the life i would want to live next to my boyfriend. i have tried many many times to become closer to her but she just pushes me away. i dont know how i would want to make ammends with her if she never protected me from others. she never protected me from my step dad and how he would molest me. i have never told her this but if i tell her i feel like she would call me a liar like she has done with other things.  the hate that i feel for these two grows and grows each day. i try not to hold grudges because thats not me but i can no longer keep it bottled up. i have to share this with some one but i cant because like i said anyone who tries to comgort me ends up being pushed away by my mother. i cant wait until the day im 18 and i leave this house. i will show her how she has wronged me all these years. if my little sister crosses me the wrong way the way she did today i will rip her face off. IDGAF!!! i really need some advice because when i cant talk to my boyfriend,friends or sister (she moved tk new york for the same reason) about these things because she takes my phone away, i feel like doing crazy things and this iis my last resort. i have tried writting my feelings in a diary/ journal an i have tried drawing but those things no longer work for me. please dont judge just tell me what i can do because right now i feel like just swallowing pills and drift away into sleep and never have to wake up again.