22 years of life, watching others sink away. In the last two years I have seen more death than anyone should ever have to see. August 14th 2010 I walked into my best friend's(considered brothers) apartment to find him staring at me with a bullet hole in the middle of his face. At 21 years old the one person I wasn't afraid to talk to took his life. I can still smell the gunpowder from write before entering the room. It turned my whole world black and white. And since then my closest family and friends are leaving this world. Leaving me alone to fear who's next. When I ran out of his apartment that day all I could do was throw myself to the pavement and scream. I screamed for an hour. When I could finally see the world around me...There was a crowd around me. Watching my pain. watching my anguish. My wife and son staring, scared not knowing what to do. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way I hurt to see my hero fallen. so I kept it all in, not intentionally, almost insictivley to protect those around me. I can't have my hurt be theirs. I've tried to stop this. I've tried to cry. But nothing comes out when anybody is around. My damn instincts to protect them are killing me. And when I finally break down cuz I can't do it anymore, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm commiting a grand sin to those I love. I just want to cry again. On my wife's shoulder, to my friends. I want people to know how I really feel. I love everyone and hate myself cuz no one knows the real me. I just want to cry. And that's what I'm doing now. I'm crying. Crying for help. somebody, anybody who has just a second please help me. because I'm too busy helping the one's I love to help myself. Please somebody help.